Damnnnnnn ITTTTT

Have u ever wondered how dreams occur... im not talking about ur future hopes of becoming a successfull...>insert career here<. I mean DREAMS.... the ones people are supposed to get when they sleep.... Scientifically its called REM sleep i think where the brains nuerons and what not fire up when they should be in an idle state.

So yeah.. where do dreams come from and how are they formed? Are they formed due to the last thoughts/feelings of a person right before they sleep. is it from heavy thoughts througout the day that continue beyond.... what ever the case.... i feel that dreams are special... they are important.

Why am i talking about dreams.... its because I had one late this morning... i accidentally fell asleep after morning prayers and had what should be classified as a quicky dream. and im sharing this because... I RARELY have dreams... especially nones which leave an impression that I had one... and MUCH less a good dream... the dream i had this morning was to all effects a GREAT ONE....

UNFORTUNATELY.... at the climax of the dream (obviously) my MOM HADDDDDD to choose that moment to check and see if ive woken up and prayed sudah... thanks i appreciate it but WHYYYY DID IT HAVE TO BE AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT!!!!! i was BLOODY startled out of that dream and promptly FORGOT ABOUT PRETTY MUCH ALL THE DETAILS... and to make it worse... it left the impression that it was in fact A PRETTY FUCKING FANTASTICAL GREAT DREAM.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh seriously... i love my mom but damn... she realllly has a history of choosing the wrong moments the wrong time the wrong thing to say the wrong way to say it with me.... i know shes giving advice... i noe shes being a mom... but WHYYYY AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT!!!!!

and yess after venting it out on this post.. i realize its a lame-ASS thing to complain about but fuck i dont care... it was a fucking awesome dream and i cant remember not one detail of it and i most certainly did NOT finish the dream...

FUCK!!!!

Have a nice day.

Past, Present, Future

"Smile... for tomorrow will be a better day"

That was it, a simple little post on a friends' blog.... to me it should be edited slightly, "Smile... for tomorrow COULD be a better day".... but it seldom is.

I don't know why i feel that way... maybe im feeling morbid today... maybe my low self esteem has dropped even lower... maybe, i just realized that whenever i find a girl that somehow attracts my attention, be it due to her looks, or her presence, her whatever.... and after i get to know her better, slighly better, a teensy bit better, and so on... i end up finding out, or feeling that shes out of my league.

sucks to be me seems to be a verrrrry repetitive thot that floats about in my head. i don't know why. hell im sure there are tons of people who would kill to be in my shoes. i realize i dont have it as bad as others. both my parents are alive and well, we are not poor, just a normal family so to speak. me n my siblings are well educated ( although in my case not very) and so on.

so why do i feel very unfullfilled. i feel unmotivated. i feel that certain things, certain experiences in my life that i should have already had have been robbed from me. i mean i have had some experiences, some good ones. studied overseas, did a bit of travelling, being independent. but underlying that i still feel robbed. maybe its because of my past that has guided my present and that may affect my future.

i guess this brings me to the title of this post, PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE.

you know the old cliche on how as children, or lets use as human beings, we enter this world by grace of ALLAH and courtesy of my/our moms wombs; as a blank piece of canvas.... actually i dont realy aggree with this... i tink its better to say as a lump of unmolded clay. or maybe im over analyzing it and both are ok. but either way, we come asa clean slate. and the first person(s) to start moulding this lump of clay (you and me) are our parents.

i mean i love my parents. i would give and wish i could give the world to them.... but hell sometimes i feel like they are holding me back even though they are trying to push me onwards to a better life. be a better person. be successful. be happy. etc etc

ive lost count the number of people i could call friends growing up because, my parents impressed upon me specific criteria in what to look for. ever since i was old enuf to understand or at least have and inkling of what is it they are telling me. people that i probably wouldve just been friends with i edged away coz warning lights lit up in my head telling me i need to avoid being too friendly with them otherwise i would be adversely affected by them. i mean sure i might have gotten hurt physically or mentally but it seems to me its jjust part of growing up jua kan. prevention may be better than cure, but experiences count for alot.

i mean just because a person initially seems to be an asshole or a bad egg, it doesnt necessarily mean tehy will be forever. it may be that there is something in them that is waiting to come out. right. i mean this person might have been able to teach me something, give me experiences which could down the line be good for me.

but im sure u get the jist of this lah. the whole choose ur frens issue with parents.

this other thing that reallllly bugs me about my parents is their wierd issue with me being friends with, hanging out with, talking with, etc with girls.... i mean SERIOUSLY, it ws bad enought this was happening in my teenage years, but now... im STILL being dictated to by my mom regarding the opposite sex. jeez man. i mean im embarrased to admit it but i have yet to have a GF, a relationship or anything of the sort with any girl.... i mean DAYMMNN....

i mean i have female friends. people who i talk to, ask advice from, give advice to... but thats it... coz whenever i find a person im interested in, its like automatically i self sabotage myself.... any chances i might have with her... from mentioning my parents ire at me going out with girls even just as "friends out for lunch" is bad for me is quite frankly pathetic. what girl would want to try something with a guy who cant even hang out for gods sake. furthermore, i tend to i dunno, become wierd or whatever arghh... pokoknya SELF-SABOTAGE, and i seem to do this with every girl thats caught my attention.

Just so you know, its not that im desprate to find one, i just dont like the fact that i dont have the free choice of having one or stumbling into one (a relationship/having a girlfriend) i mean. experiences count, its what helps us stay alive in this thing called LIFE coz believe it or not, dying is easy, Living is hard....

blearghh.... im not even sure what im saying anymore....
lets end this before i embarass myself even further and be even lamer......

i cant believe i spent the last 20 mins doing this and not my revision.... duhhh but at least this is off my chest....

I wish I could feel like this everyday.... or at least more than just once in a blue moon...

Belated Shout outs....

Right... i know this is reallllly reallllly late especially since its all over but what the hey... i feel like it.

SOOOO here goes...

I WOULD LIKE TO WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY BELATED BULAN Ramadhan. hope u had a great fasting month.. bynk bersabar sabar and banyk beibadah.... and of coz puasa full...

then i would also like to wish you all a belated SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.... semoga you all had the best of raya or at the very least enjoyed it some what.. i would like to belatedly minta maaf for any wrong doings that i might have done towards you guys.. and things said wrongly, harshwords or shit like that you know... so hope u guys had a great raya...

now i would also like to wish you all yang the last few months since i posted.. a HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.. you all know who you are so... hapy belated birthday to you all.. hope u had a great one... hahah

and ammr CAKE ku mana huhuhu....... bila sushi hehehe :D

now for something for the present and the future... so i would like to wish you all happy studying jgn stress too much and may our exams be easy peasy pudding pie... wish you all the best with any assignments due. and happy studying for the exams... tabah kan semangat and kuat kan iman. :D

and i guess this is pretty much it for belated shout outs hahaha

and "YOU".... all the best to you....

Love Hurts....

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast the truth
Don't want to lose what I had as a boy
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat
As common as a cold day in L.A.

Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive

I'm fettered and abused
Stand naked and accused
Should I surface, this one-man submarine?
I only want the truth!
So tonight we drink to youth!
I'll never lose what I had as a boy

Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive

Without love I won't survive

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive

Love hurts, ohhh-oh ohh
Love hurts
Without love I won't survive
Love hurts la-la-la-la-la-la oh
Love hurts
Without love I won't survive

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was randoming thru my iTunes list of music and well i came across this song by Incubus... I must say..... how did i ever obtain this song and not have listened to it before..... guess it mustve just slipped under the radar.

Anyway im really diggin this song... its lyrics.... for one who has not felt what its like to be in a relationship or even been with someone... i dont know why i feel that "i know what it feels"... wierd.... maybe it comes from watching other peoples relationships from outside... you know like staring in thru the window... and occasionally those windows will open if they decide they would like some input from me in some form or other..... coz thats pretty much the sum of whatever i know about relationship.... not much really.... one day maybe... sometime in the future.... wherever.... whoever you are...

And to "you", im really sorry ive been quiet all this time... havent spoken a word to you in what?? ages.. months haha.... i guess ive reallly been trying to get you out of my head and heart you know... slowly im getting there i guess... maybe... sometime soon....

anyway i hope you have a had and will have a great time in times to come... in times past... and in present times..... i know we're all busy with exams... and whatever other shit there is that we are dealing with... sooo later or as they say in japanese... JA MATA ASHITA.

Minor update at long last..... sorii blogg kosong :P

Lets see..... its been what over 2-3 months since my last post.... sori, been busy and been lazy... sigh

so heres some random updates:

1) still single :P
2) injured my right knee (minor effusion or something) hence i have not been playing squash and badminton for over 3 weeks. its driving me crazy!!!! I WANNA PLAYY!!! i also had to with draw from the squash tourney which sucks!!! GRRRR... and i cant play for another 2 1/2 weeks.... arghhh!!!
3) i finally joined a gym, and ironically, its the gym ive been avoiding to join coz its to friggin far. but since quite a few of the 'family' have joined, i thot ehh what the hell. and for 45 bucks a month for the gym, pool, jacuzzi, sauna, some aerobic classes, and a couple other things. its not bad. espcially if u got once every 2 days. :D
4) I GOT A JOB.... yea!!!! unfortunately, im still jobless during the day coz my job starts from 8pm till 1 am++ so any1 if ada opening for a day job that pays decently well with flexible hours, let me noe plizzzz.
5) lets see, well i updated this blog finally so thats update no. 5 lah haha.
6) ohh yea, i officially bid goodbye to my old ixus 500 and thank it for over 5 years of dedicated service, but unfortunately since ur busted i can no longer use you.(mournful music playing in the background...)
7) (happy music in the back ground) but on a lighter note, i bought a new CAMERA.... yes dapat vaining balik. i bought its younger brother or more likely the cucu or cicit i.e. IXUS 950IS. its awesome. but ive yet to take any meaningful pics with it coz i havent hung out with the family for awhile. since inda kana invite, TIGA KALI lagi tu lol hahaha
8) eagerly anticipating the day i get paid... wuu huuu
9) i have a ton of pics to put up from the last 3 months so liat lah when im feeling rajin. there sother stuff im suppose to do which ive been procrastinating on.
10) I entered the japanese speech contest, but damn me if im not bloody lazy. for some reason i cant be asked to work on it. even though in my opinion i have a killer kick ass topic for it.

anyway thats all i can think of to write for now...
wait for pictures later lah in a few hours or a few days or a few weeks... lol

p.s. oh and i had this fuckin awesome dream.. wish i could dream it again coz i woke up feeling oh so happy and oh so refreshed!!! (and to u perves out there... u noe who im talkin about. its not a w*t dream OK!!!!)

P.S I Love You

Hey you... how are you? been well? u look gorgeous as usual but then i tink you look awesome all the time. lol anyhoo... been meaning to put up a post for a while now. but i kept on procrastinating. i really hate that word, procrastinating. i hate what it stands for. i hate it because for hte last 5-10 years of my life, thats what ive been doing. procrastinating. it sucks. i try every so often to rid myself of it but it always seems to find it way back. sucks huh~~

Lately... last couple weeks... last few weeks actually... ive been feeling.... i dunno empty. i feel like a bag of molasses, bag of meat thats just moving, dragging itself thru day after day of well... another day in life. im not sure why i feel empty, i feel empty when i think about you. i feel empty when i see you... i feel empty when i get the chance to be around you... what does that mean? my feelings are gone?? can i finally get my life back in full swing. well i wish that it would happen. but the truth is, i cant stop thinking about you. you're always on the edge of my conciousness. edge of my vision. floating about it this empty head of mine...... right im gonna stop right there....

i was sick all day today. a certain couple of people want to kill me for... yes... procrastination... but hey i was really sick today... having a migrane, fever and bloody diaohrrea is no friggin joke. and becoz i was in bed most of the time, my back hurts. i think i sound like some pregnant person lol... my kaka is back in brunei for a week or so for hols. she sorta dragged me out of bed asking me to go watch some stupid sappy love romance movie. i seriously thought i was going to get in there get my self comfortable and go to sleep but boy was i wrong!!!! the movie was fackin friggin awesome. one of hte best romance movies ive ever bothered to seen. in fact is one of the best movie ive seen in 2007/2008 movie season. its called "P.S I love you" i seriously thought it was gonna be another stupid sappy romance movie but it was so much more. it was funny. it was serious. it was sad. it was silly. its up there with ohter rom/coms that i like e.g. sleepless in seatle, nottinghill, and a few others i dont remember. i was laughing so hard and some of the funny scenes along with other ppl in the theatre. and the touching parts were soo moving. i didnt cry but it did touch me. but i can tell u who cried tho. i was watching it with my two sisters and my kaka's frens and all the girls except 2 came out of the theatre with tear stained and bruised eyes. coz it was that well romantic. even one of the other guys who came to watch shed a tear at the end. the only tears i shed were of laughter. some times i tink my heart is dead. lol

so as not to spoil the movie ill jus give a short synopsis. married couple...husband died....wife tries to get over death...helped by frens and a surprsie... u shud watch it i wont say more. it is friggin awesome and i dont endorse romance movies very often. YOU should watch it. i think even you would find it moving and possibly even cry. or mebbe u might jus laugh at the other ppl who cried. i wont noe i guess.

and every1 else. seriously watch it. it gets 4.75 stars from me. i wud even watch it again so if any of u want company jus ask me along ehh.

anyway ill end this post coz im sleepy again and am still sick. also worried sick about the two ppeoplwho want to beat the crap out of me. sorry sorry but im trying.

ja mata, bounjour.
oyasuminasai, bon-nuite

more pics from that sushi nite

So i very very malas to write anything so heres some pics... ill up load my blurry netball pix and pics of other events anotehr time. very very lazy lah

hey you....

hey you.... i wonder how are you doing right now.... i wonder how your day went. i hope it went well. i wish i could be telling this to you personally but, but since im unable to.... well one way or another, im sayin it, i hope you had a nice day. there i said it. but its to bad these words are probably never gonna reach you. thats my loss.

its raining right now you... i like rain, i especially like rain during sunny days or what they call "hujan panas" i used to love lying by my window, with the sun shining in my face while rain falls on the roof, againts my windows, i find it thereputic. sadly that doesnt seem to happen much any more. sigh, but yea i like it when it rains, altho i have to admit, i did grow to dislike it for about 5 years when i was in the UK. after my first week there, i found out why the english likes to talk bout the weather so much, coz it can get pretty miserable. hahaha but yeh, well wat to do. but i guess now im back in brunei permanently, i guess, i like rain all over gain. it helps me sooth this pain i have in my heart, at least a little... even a little is better than nothing right?

but unfortunately no matter how long it rains tonite, or more like this morning, it wont wash away the feelings i have for you would it. it pacifys, it sooths but it wont take it away. and i guess i dont want it to be taken away. becoz if the pain getstaken away, then it would me i probably will stop have these feelings for you.... as much as i want to not feel this way for you, i would rather be in pain than to not have... not to feel this way for you. antah hahaha sounds so wierd.

here i am typing aimlessly again, not yet asleep even tho i have other things that i should be focusing on now. thinking of you... damn, even just thinking of you brings a smile to my lips. thats what you do to me you know. you light up my day by just being there. i love your wierdness, i love how you go about your day laughing smiling, being the best fren you can be to your well friends haha. i wish i could just be one of your friends but i find my self being very awkward around you. dont you know. i dont know why. mebbe its becoz you're like some angel that fell from heaven.... hahaha god what am i saying. this sounds ridiculous. hell youd probably laugh out loud mocking me if you ever graced your eyes upon this post. but since thats probably not gonna happen. well whatthe heck right. i hope you stay you. dont let anyone bring you down. dont let any1 change you into something you're not. but thats proabbly needless advice, coz you are you're own person. mebbe its just for me to reassure my self. whoopss i have totally no idea what hte hell im talking about now. hahaha i guess htats why im senseless ehhy....

sigh~~~ why cant i just go and tell you how i feel. why do i hesitate at the treshold only to change my mind at the last moment and just pretend that you mean nothing to me other than another fren. coz it seems you mean alot to me. im not even sure why. ill be honest. when i first saw you, im pretty sure i didnt fall for you at first sight. i dunno mebbe. you were just another new face in UBD. all i was trying to do was to try fit in, get settled make a few frens andstay out of trouble. you slowly became a fren to me. it was well nice you being you. and suddenly blammo(haha cheese i noe and cliche too but wth) i fell for you like a ton of bricks, or ten tonnes of bricks.... just when i thot i found rough diamond that i hoped to polish in to a gleaming shining jewel of a fren, i had to fall for you. i wish it was just a crush, i hoped it wouldnt last for long. but well i noe its not like been years but i still feel the same as the day i realised it. in fact probably even more so than ever before.

jeez, here i am talking to you agian when you dont even read this drivel. haha well whateverlah, mebbe you might somehow find your way here and read this. but then agian, its not like you're gonna realize that im talking to you now issit. so it probably doesnt matter.

anyway wish you good night and sweet dreams. you take care yea......

Sports,Dinner and movie

Friday was a pretty tiring day and extremely unproductive in terms of academic work. altho i have to admit, it was a pretty fun and full day. played squash in the morning with the usual, faadzil and nuar, aryf n daus were playing footie so they couldnt make it. back to winning ways againts faadzil... yea. man zill, laju jua ko improve. nantitah, tunggu ku lose 20+ more kilo, more challenging ku tu. hahaha unfortunately still going no where againts nuar. some how i always endup losing my concentrating when playing with him and end up scuffing up shots that souldnt be scuffed. so nanti tah i give u the challenge that you so craved.

later in the afternoon, after friday prayers, i rushed to UBD to attend nihon ryori class and minako sensei's surprise bday party. unfortunately the surprsie for me was that i had to leave b4 i could join in the fun filled festivities. this really annoyed me coz i was hoping to at least say surprsie to her but unfortunately quite a few people were "OSOI" so in the end i had to leave b4 i was any late-er for my badminton.

and u guessed it, played badminton with some frens and my cuz. it was fun as usual. and as usualy i kept losing. sigh~~~ need to get better at badminton. but at least i won a couple sets. and before u ask, all games were doubles. hahaha.

anyway, we all went out for drinks after badminton at easy way. unfortunately the easy way in delima as always was out of the nice drinks so we all had to make do with second or third choices. but this was pretty fun, exchanging stories and telling jokes. unfortunately due to the nature of my company, i got bullied ohh well..

then me and my cuzin rushed back home to my place to shower and get ready for the final outing of the day. dinner then a movie which in this case was sushi and jumper hahaha. dinner was awesome to say the least. or well it was fun lah. me n my cuz had dinner with a couple of frens from UK, pai and lyn both of whom are now educators at their respective schools/colleges. but yea it was fun hanging out with them, cerita cerita. food was great, company equally great so it was a pretty great evening.

later we went to watch jumper at qlap mall coz the seats at the MALL were too far upfront. unfortunately the movie wasnt up to scratch. it was ok but story line was like "WHAT".... so i wont bother you with the details of that movie. anyway ill leave you all with some pictures of that night. ciao

Happy B irthday.....

Happy birthday my country. Today you have turned 24 or at least you have been independent for 24 years. in 8 months i will turn 24 so lets pray we have many happy, succesful, great futures together..... AMIN

musings at 4.30 am

Everyone has these thoughts floating about in their mind at some point or other in their life. some only once or twice, others more than that. i guess this would be the second time in my life having thoughts like the one being mentioned in the lyrics seriously. as in not some random bump in the sea of life that u are infatuated with, but someone who refuses to leave that empty shelll i call my brain and also my heart.

I don't know how it happened, why it happened, and why it had to be you. it just is. unfortunately, I, like so many others don't have any control over who we invest our feelings into. be it reciprocated or otherwise. the thought that you don't know how much you mean to me is like "an innocent man being thrown alive into a coffin and nailed shut trying to claw his way out" kind of feeling. am i hyperboling, i probably am, by how much probably not much.

its frustrating that my relationship with you is akin to two ships passing by in the middle of a dark sea. you noe the other is there, but u cant really see each other. not in that way. admiring from a far is something that i seem to be only capable of. i dont dare to take any chances for fear of getting burned. im not proactive in anything i do, much less in matters of the heart. i fear that im just going to leave it like this and never know what could be or what couldnt be. at least if i just got on with it and let it all out, mebbe i can get some closure. but then that would mean either i get a chance or i get blown out of the water. the former of getting a chance means i could fail. but the latter means i have failed. so what am i to do. "get more guts" is what u probably would say. hey if u can show me the way id gladly go do it but thats not gonna happen right~~~

as long as im writing this drivel, i might as mention this. why did it have to be you. couldnt i have fallen for someone who i dont know or dont feel that we could have a friendship that "WOULD" have been cherished. it sucks. it sucks the first time this happen to me with another person whose friendship i cherished, and it sucks even more that it happened again, with you. but you have no idea do you. here i am, with a heavy week of tests and assignments coming up, i writing you drivel that you probably would never read. only the few ppl that bother to come to this poor excuse of a blog would. and they surely would have no idea who im talking about.

but one thing id like to say before i go on to writing some other drivel, i would just like to thank you for the little moments of.... i dont know happiness?? a surge of endorphins?? that i get when i see you smile or laugh that laugh of yours, uninhibited and pure. that cheeky glint in your eye that you get when you're being you laughing, talking, joking, living. thanks. i guess it always makes my day better when i see you smile. but god i wish the end of this drivel didnt sound so stalkerish, coz im not stalking. but hey if i realize it sounds stalker-ish, i can bet you who read this do so might as well mention it lol.

anyway, i hope you enjoy the lyrics, try to get the song coz it well i dont know actually. mebbe it may give u some hope, mebbe a little push for you to just take a plunge and do it the thing that you want to but dare not to. has it worked for me, i dont know yet, come back in a few months and maybe you'll get an answer. and to "YOU" hope u have a good year. sweet dreams and all the best.


"should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads no where~~"

Adele - Chasing Pavements



I’ve made up my mind
don’t need to think it over
if I’m wrong i am right
don’t need to look no further
this ain’t lust i know
this is love

but if i tell the world
I’ll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on
chasing pavements
should i just keep on
chasing pavements

ooooohhh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere.

best days?

question... Will i ever be able to sing of the "BEST DAYS" of my life... some times it feels like ill never get the chance....

hmmmm

i was going to write up another post about the things ive done over the last 2 months that ive been neglecting to put in this blog, but i cant be asked so im just gonna put pictures lots of them, and highly unlikely will they be in order. those who know me and hang out with me often will know what the pictures mean i.e. what events they were, as for those who dont, well asked tag boards there. so heres some pictures in the days of my life.

My 1st official open house as a host pics. lol








FSC election day and gala night pics



















its getting late n ive got lectures 2mrw so, sambung lain hari lol :P

Dreams can come true??? I wonder~~~

well, its been ages, yet again, since ive posted anything up in my "blog". i don't know why i even have one when i barely put anything in it. its mostly because i procrastinate too much. i say im gonna put something in and end up putting it off indefinitely. well what to do lah, its not like i get much traffic on this blog right.

Anyway, i just would like to say im TIRED. very tired, im tired of trying to be who im not. im tired of trying to fit in because i hate being left out. im tired of being "alone". im tired of trying to please my parents who sometimes don't see the effort ive put in. granted i did dissapoint them some but well thats the story of my life. but this is not why i writing right now. the reason im writing now is to ask those few of you who do bother coming here a question. I know its sounds lame and ill agree by the end of this post itll sound like im over dramatizing but what the hey. i need to get it of my chest coz its been stuck there for GOD knows how long.

my multi-tierd question is, "can dreams come true? do the ambitions that you have as a kid become a reality?etc" I ask this question because for the dozenth? 2 dozen? 3? time ive had an altercation with my mom. i noe every one has their own issues with their parents. well this is mine. for as long as i can remember, my very first ambition or dream when i was a kid wasn't to be successful; it wasnt to be insanely rich, marry a model or anything like that(that being said, it be great if i achieved all those that ive just mentioned lol". no the first ambition i ever had was to make my parents proud, happy, to repay them for all tehy done for me and all they may do for me in the future. that was it. althoug obviously as one grows older we tend to get more materialistic goals and less idealistic ones. but this dream, this ambition, by GOD i hope i can achieve.

growing up in my household, well i would say my parents didnt exactly spoil me but i didnt lack for anything. food, shelter, love, etc thos things they gave freely. maybe i didnt hav as many toys as otehr kids my age but hey, it was fine. ive always thought my self as mama's boy, in the sense that im closer to my mom than my dad. i tried to make her happy try to ease her burdens while i was growing up. and i did i guess to a certain extent. i wasnt no saint but i tink i did ok those years ago.

but as i grew older, i obviously began to see the restrictions put upon me. im sure every one else has the same ones but if u pushed againts them, chances are ud probably get away with it, me during my teen years, i barely had any frens mostly because ive always been taught by my mom to stay away from bad influences. dont mix around with other kids who look like they are some little mosnters. obviously this had an affect on my ability to make frens. i stayed away from those who i tink fit...... what the hell, ive gone completely off topic. my life story if u want to hear it and im sure your dying to hear it, ill save it for anther post.

anyway. trying to please my mother. when i finished my o levels, i started to feel very constrained by my mom, and when i went to UK for my studies, OMG i felt soooo free, i can do what ever i want becoz heck, i nolonger hav my mom to constrain me. but unfortunately constrain me she did some how thru over 9000kms she did. every week i tallk to her on the fone i hear the same restrain, do this dont do that, bla bla bla bla. GOD everyweek the same thing. its like nothing new. i know shes doing her motherly duty but jeez give it a rest. for 5 years over the fone it is drilled in to my head every fibre of my being the things my mom said. its like a dog trainer trying to train a dog by repeating something over and over again. i kid you not.

there was this called pavlov who did a study on conditioned reflex or something like that. basically the resarch states that someone or animal can be condtioned thru repetition to have a reflex if a trigger is used. "The phrase "Pavlov's dog" is often used to describe someone who merely reacts to a situation rather than use critical thinking." (source wiki) basically over the 23 years she has raised me, ive become so conditioned to the things my mom says that as soon as she opens her mouth and talks to me in this certain tone thats used for telling me off or giving me advice or whatever, my first reflex is to want to leave the room. i tell you, if u want me to clear out of a room faster than u can say "get out of here" all u have to do is get my mother to use that tone of voice.

all these years ive always wondered why my brother keeps running off when my mom keeps running off when my mom trys to give "advice", i keep thinking why he couldnt jus stay and listen coz its "advice" from a parent. i know she gets hurt whn my bro keeps running off and not listening to her. and i always thought my bro was such a jackass for hurting her so. you know. at one point years i go i made a decision to always listen to my mom when she gives advice and try to not run away so i wont hurt her feelings. boy was that a naive thought. i obviously couldnt keep it up. its gotten to the extent that ive stopped wanting to eat dinner as a family at home. ill either eat really early or later so i dont have to be in the same room with my mom. i stay in my room all day if i dont have anything to do outside it if it means not being in the same room as my mom. because i still dont want to hurt her, i figure the best way is "out of sight oout of mind" right. even now since i started studying at ubd, id stay in the university all day even if i dont have classes all day, just so i can avoid hearing that "TONE" of hers.

i could go on and on i suppose but i cant be asked anymore. so basically "can ur ambitions come true" well it looks like this particulary ambition/dream of mine is looking rather shaky coz i keep hurting my mom due to my "reflex" action. and ive become a carbon copy of my brother in terms of reaction to my mom which i swore i wouldnt do. which obviously hurts her. and i havent the clue how to not do it anymore. coz if i stay and listen, invariably i will open my mouth to contest the things she says and more often than not, ill probably say something harsh which just hurts her more, and gives me more negative points i.e. sin in the eyes of GOD. this really sucks dont you know.

till my next rant.
ja mata. genki dayo