Past, Present, Future

"Smile... for tomorrow will be a better day"

That was it, a simple little post on a friends' blog.... to me it should be edited slightly, "Smile... for tomorrow COULD be a better day".... but it seldom is.

I don't know why i feel that way... maybe im feeling morbid today... maybe my low self esteem has dropped even lower... maybe, i just realized that whenever i find a girl that somehow attracts my attention, be it due to her looks, or her presence, her whatever.... and after i get to know her better, slighly better, a teensy bit better, and so on... i end up finding out, or feeling that shes out of my league.

sucks to be me seems to be a verrrrry repetitive thot that floats about in my head. i don't know why. hell im sure there are tons of people who would kill to be in my shoes. i realize i dont have it as bad as others. both my parents are alive and well, we are not poor, just a normal family so to speak. me n my siblings are well educated ( although in my case not very) and so on.

so why do i feel very unfullfilled. i feel unmotivated. i feel that certain things, certain experiences in my life that i should have already had have been robbed from me. i mean i have had some experiences, some good ones. studied overseas, did a bit of travelling, being independent. but underlying that i still feel robbed. maybe its because of my past that has guided my present and that may affect my future.

i guess this brings me to the title of this post, PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE.

you know the old cliche on how as children, or lets use as human beings, we enter this world by grace of ALLAH and courtesy of my/our moms wombs; as a blank piece of canvas.... actually i dont realy aggree with this... i tink its better to say as a lump of unmolded clay. or maybe im over analyzing it and both are ok. but either way, we come asa clean slate. and the first person(s) to start moulding this lump of clay (you and me) are our parents.

i mean i love my parents. i would give and wish i could give the world to them.... but hell sometimes i feel like they are holding me back even though they are trying to push me onwards to a better life. be a better person. be successful. be happy. etc etc

ive lost count the number of people i could call friends growing up because, my parents impressed upon me specific criteria in what to look for. ever since i was old enuf to understand or at least have and inkling of what is it they are telling me. people that i probably wouldve just been friends with i edged away coz warning lights lit up in my head telling me i need to avoid being too friendly with them otherwise i would be adversely affected by them. i mean sure i might have gotten hurt physically or mentally but it seems to me its jjust part of growing up jua kan. prevention may be better than cure, but experiences count for alot.

i mean just because a person initially seems to be an asshole or a bad egg, it doesnt necessarily mean tehy will be forever. it may be that there is something in them that is waiting to come out. right. i mean this person might have been able to teach me something, give me experiences which could down the line be good for me.

but im sure u get the jist of this lah. the whole choose ur frens issue with parents.

this other thing that reallllly bugs me about my parents is their wierd issue with me being friends with, hanging out with, talking with, etc with girls.... i mean SERIOUSLY, it ws bad enought this was happening in my teenage years, but now... im STILL being dictated to by my mom regarding the opposite sex. jeez man. i mean im embarrased to admit it but i have yet to have a GF, a relationship or anything of the sort with any girl.... i mean DAYMMNN....

i mean i have female friends. people who i talk to, ask advice from, give advice to... but thats it... coz whenever i find a person im interested in, its like automatically i self sabotage myself.... any chances i might have with her... from mentioning my parents ire at me going out with girls even just as "friends out for lunch" is bad for me is quite frankly pathetic. what girl would want to try something with a guy who cant even hang out for gods sake. furthermore, i tend to i dunno, become wierd or whatever arghh... pokoknya SELF-SABOTAGE, and i seem to do this with every girl thats caught my attention.

Just so you know, its not that im desprate to find one, i just dont like the fact that i dont have the free choice of having one or stumbling into one (a relationship/having a girlfriend) i mean. experiences count, its what helps us stay alive in this thing called LIFE coz believe it or not, dying is easy, Living is hard....

blearghh.... im not even sure what im saying anymore....
lets end this before i embarass myself even further and be even lamer......

i cant believe i spent the last 20 mins doing this and not my revision.... duhhh but at least this is off my chest....

I wish I could feel like this everyday.... or at least more than just once in a blue moon...