hey you....

hey you.... i wonder how are you doing right now.... i wonder how your day went. i hope it went well. i wish i could be telling this to you personally but, but since im unable to.... well one way or another, im sayin it, i hope you had a nice day. there i said it. but its to bad these words are probably never gonna reach you. thats my loss.

its raining right now you... i like rain, i especially like rain during sunny days or what they call "hujan panas" i used to love lying by my window, with the sun shining in my face while rain falls on the roof, againts my windows, i find it thereputic. sadly that doesnt seem to happen much any more. sigh, but yea i like it when it rains, altho i have to admit, i did grow to dislike it for about 5 years when i was in the UK. after my first week there, i found out why the english likes to talk bout the weather so much, coz it can get pretty miserable. hahaha but yeh, well wat to do. but i guess now im back in brunei permanently, i guess, i like rain all over gain. it helps me sooth this pain i have in my heart, at least a little... even a little is better than nothing right?

but unfortunately no matter how long it rains tonite, or more like this morning, it wont wash away the feelings i have for you would it. it pacifys, it sooths but it wont take it away. and i guess i dont want it to be taken away. becoz if the pain getstaken away, then it would me i probably will stop have these feelings for you.... as much as i want to not feel this way for you, i would rather be in pain than to not have... not to feel this way for you. antah hahaha sounds so wierd.

here i am typing aimlessly again, not yet asleep even tho i have other things that i should be focusing on now. thinking of you... damn, even just thinking of you brings a smile to my lips. thats what you do to me you know. you light up my day by just being there. i love your wierdness, i love how you go about your day laughing smiling, being the best fren you can be to your well friends haha. i wish i could just be one of your friends but i find my self being very awkward around you. dont you know. i dont know why. mebbe its becoz you're like some angel that fell from heaven.... hahaha god what am i saying. this sounds ridiculous. hell youd probably laugh out loud mocking me if you ever graced your eyes upon this post. but since thats probably not gonna happen. well whatthe heck right. i hope you stay you. dont let anyone bring you down. dont let any1 change you into something you're not. but thats proabbly needless advice, coz you are you're own person. mebbe its just for me to reassure my self. whoopss i have totally no idea what hte hell im talking about now. hahaha i guess htats why im senseless ehhy....

sigh~~~ why cant i just go and tell you how i feel. why do i hesitate at the treshold only to change my mind at the last moment and just pretend that you mean nothing to me other than another fren. coz it seems you mean alot to me. im not even sure why. ill be honest. when i first saw you, im pretty sure i didnt fall for you at first sight. i dunno mebbe. you were just another new face in UBD. all i was trying to do was to try fit in, get settled make a few frens andstay out of trouble. you slowly became a fren to me. it was well nice you being you. and suddenly blammo(haha cheese i noe and cliche too but wth) i fell for you like a ton of bricks, or ten tonnes of bricks.... just when i thot i found rough diamond that i hoped to polish in to a gleaming shining jewel of a fren, i had to fall for you. i wish it was just a crush, i hoped it wouldnt last for long. but well i noe its not like been years but i still feel the same as the day i realised it. in fact probably even more so than ever before.

jeez, here i am talking to you agian when you dont even read this drivel. haha well whateverlah, mebbe you might somehow find your way here and read this. but then agian, its not like you're gonna realize that im talking to you now issit. so it probably doesnt matter.

anyway wish you good night and sweet dreams. you take care yea......

Sports,Dinner and movie

Friday was a pretty tiring day and extremely unproductive in terms of academic work. altho i have to admit, it was a pretty fun and full day. played squash in the morning with the usual, faadzil and nuar, aryf n daus were playing footie so they couldnt make it. back to winning ways againts faadzil... yea. man zill, laju jua ko improve. nantitah, tunggu ku lose 20+ more kilo, more challenging ku tu. hahaha unfortunately still going no where againts nuar. some how i always endup losing my concentrating when playing with him and end up scuffing up shots that souldnt be scuffed. so nanti tah i give u the challenge that you so craved.

later in the afternoon, after friday prayers, i rushed to UBD to attend nihon ryori class and minako sensei's surprise bday party. unfortunately the surprsie for me was that i had to leave b4 i could join in the fun filled festivities. this really annoyed me coz i was hoping to at least say surprsie to her but unfortunately quite a few people were "OSOI" so in the end i had to leave b4 i was any late-er for my badminton.

and u guessed it, played badminton with some frens and my cuz. it was fun as usual. and as usualy i kept losing. sigh~~~ need to get better at badminton. but at least i won a couple sets. and before u ask, all games were doubles. hahaha.

anyway, we all went out for drinks after badminton at easy way. unfortunately the easy way in delima as always was out of the nice drinks so we all had to make do with second or third choices. but this was pretty fun, exchanging stories and telling jokes. unfortunately due to the nature of my company, i got bullied ohh well..

then me and my cuzin rushed back home to my place to shower and get ready for the final outing of the day. dinner then a movie which in this case was sushi and jumper hahaha. dinner was awesome to say the least. or well it was fun lah. me n my cuz had dinner with a couple of frens from UK, pai and lyn both of whom are now educators at their respective schools/colleges. but yea it was fun hanging out with them, cerita cerita. food was great, company equally great so it was a pretty great evening.

later we went to watch jumper at qlap mall coz the seats at the MALL were too far upfront. unfortunately the movie wasnt up to scratch. it was ok but story line was like "WHAT".... so i wont bother you with the details of that movie. anyway ill leave you all with some pictures of that night. ciao

Happy B irthday.....

Happy birthday my country. Today you have turned 24 or at least you have been independent for 24 years. in 8 months i will turn 24 so lets pray we have many happy, succesful, great futures together..... AMIN

musings at 4.30 am

Everyone has these thoughts floating about in their mind at some point or other in their life. some only once or twice, others more than that. i guess this would be the second time in my life having thoughts like the one being mentioned in the lyrics seriously. as in not some random bump in the sea of life that u are infatuated with, but someone who refuses to leave that empty shelll i call my brain and also my heart.

I don't know how it happened, why it happened, and why it had to be you. it just is. unfortunately, I, like so many others don't have any control over who we invest our feelings into. be it reciprocated or otherwise. the thought that you don't know how much you mean to me is like "an innocent man being thrown alive into a coffin and nailed shut trying to claw his way out" kind of feeling. am i hyperboling, i probably am, by how much probably not much.

its frustrating that my relationship with you is akin to two ships passing by in the middle of a dark sea. you noe the other is there, but u cant really see each other. not in that way. admiring from a far is something that i seem to be only capable of. i dont dare to take any chances for fear of getting burned. im not proactive in anything i do, much less in matters of the heart. i fear that im just going to leave it like this and never know what could be or what couldnt be. at least if i just got on with it and let it all out, mebbe i can get some closure. but then that would mean either i get a chance or i get blown out of the water. the former of getting a chance means i could fail. but the latter means i have failed. so what am i to do. "get more guts" is what u probably would say. hey if u can show me the way id gladly go do it but thats not gonna happen right~~~

as long as im writing this drivel, i might as mention this. why did it have to be you. couldnt i have fallen for someone who i dont know or dont feel that we could have a friendship that "WOULD" have been cherished. it sucks. it sucks the first time this happen to me with another person whose friendship i cherished, and it sucks even more that it happened again, with you. but you have no idea do you. here i am, with a heavy week of tests and assignments coming up, i writing you drivel that you probably would never read. only the few ppl that bother to come to this poor excuse of a blog would. and they surely would have no idea who im talking about.

but one thing id like to say before i go on to writing some other drivel, i would just like to thank you for the little moments of.... i dont know happiness?? a surge of endorphins?? that i get when i see you smile or laugh that laugh of yours, uninhibited and pure. that cheeky glint in your eye that you get when you're being you laughing, talking, joking, living. thanks. i guess it always makes my day better when i see you smile. but god i wish the end of this drivel didnt sound so stalkerish, coz im not stalking. but hey if i realize it sounds stalker-ish, i can bet you who read this do so might as well mention it lol.

anyway, i hope you enjoy the lyrics, try to get the song coz it well i dont know actually. mebbe it may give u some hope, mebbe a little push for you to just take a plunge and do it the thing that you want to but dare not to. has it worked for me, i dont know yet, come back in a few months and maybe you'll get an answer. and to "YOU" hope u have a good year. sweet dreams and all the best.


"should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads no where~~"

Adele - Chasing Pavements



I’ve made up my mind
don’t need to think it over
if I’m wrong i am right
don’t need to look no further
this ain’t lust i know
this is love

but if i tell the world
I’ll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on
chasing pavements
should i just keep on
chasing pavements

ooooohhh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere.

best days?

question... Will i ever be able to sing of the "BEST DAYS" of my life... some times it feels like ill never get the chance....

hmmmm

i was going to write up another post about the things ive done over the last 2 months that ive been neglecting to put in this blog, but i cant be asked so im just gonna put pictures lots of them, and highly unlikely will they be in order. those who know me and hang out with me often will know what the pictures mean i.e. what events they were, as for those who dont, well asked tag boards there. so heres some pictures in the days of my life.

My 1st official open house as a host pics. lol








FSC election day and gala night pics



















its getting late n ive got lectures 2mrw so, sambung lain hari lol :P

Dreams can come true??? I wonder~~~

well, its been ages, yet again, since ive posted anything up in my "blog". i don't know why i even have one when i barely put anything in it. its mostly because i procrastinate too much. i say im gonna put something in and end up putting it off indefinitely. well what to do lah, its not like i get much traffic on this blog right.

Anyway, i just would like to say im TIRED. very tired, im tired of trying to be who im not. im tired of trying to fit in because i hate being left out. im tired of being "alone". im tired of trying to please my parents who sometimes don't see the effort ive put in. granted i did dissapoint them some but well thats the story of my life. but this is not why i writing right now. the reason im writing now is to ask those few of you who do bother coming here a question. I know its sounds lame and ill agree by the end of this post itll sound like im over dramatizing but what the hey. i need to get it of my chest coz its been stuck there for GOD knows how long.

my multi-tierd question is, "can dreams come true? do the ambitions that you have as a kid become a reality?etc" I ask this question because for the dozenth? 2 dozen? 3? time ive had an altercation with my mom. i noe every one has their own issues with their parents. well this is mine. for as long as i can remember, my very first ambition or dream when i was a kid wasn't to be successful; it wasnt to be insanely rich, marry a model or anything like that(that being said, it be great if i achieved all those that ive just mentioned lol". no the first ambition i ever had was to make my parents proud, happy, to repay them for all tehy done for me and all they may do for me in the future. that was it. althoug obviously as one grows older we tend to get more materialistic goals and less idealistic ones. but this dream, this ambition, by GOD i hope i can achieve.

growing up in my household, well i would say my parents didnt exactly spoil me but i didnt lack for anything. food, shelter, love, etc thos things they gave freely. maybe i didnt hav as many toys as otehr kids my age but hey, it was fine. ive always thought my self as mama's boy, in the sense that im closer to my mom than my dad. i tried to make her happy try to ease her burdens while i was growing up. and i did i guess to a certain extent. i wasnt no saint but i tink i did ok those years ago.

but as i grew older, i obviously began to see the restrictions put upon me. im sure every one else has the same ones but if u pushed againts them, chances are ud probably get away with it, me during my teen years, i barely had any frens mostly because ive always been taught by my mom to stay away from bad influences. dont mix around with other kids who look like they are some little mosnters. obviously this had an affect on my ability to make frens. i stayed away from those who i tink fit...... what the hell, ive gone completely off topic. my life story if u want to hear it and im sure your dying to hear it, ill save it for anther post.

anyway. trying to please my mother. when i finished my o levels, i started to feel very constrained by my mom, and when i went to UK for my studies, OMG i felt soooo free, i can do what ever i want becoz heck, i nolonger hav my mom to constrain me. but unfortunately constrain me she did some how thru over 9000kms she did. every week i tallk to her on the fone i hear the same restrain, do this dont do that, bla bla bla bla. GOD everyweek the same thing. its like nothing new. i know shes doing her motherly duty but jeez give it a rest. for 5 years over the fone it is drilled in to my head every fibre of my being the things my mom said. its like a dog trainer trying to train a dog by repeating something over and over again. i kid you not.

there was this called pavlov who did a study on conditioned reflex or something like that. basically the resarch states that someone or animal can be condtioned thru repetition to have a reflex if a trigger is used. "The phrase "Pavlov's dog" is often used to describe someone who merely reacts to a situation rather than use critical thinking." (source wiki) basically over the 23 years she has raised me, ive become so conditioned to the things my mom says that as soon as she opens her mouth and talks to me in this certain tone thats used for telling me off or giving me advice or whatever, my first reflex is to want to leave the room. i tell you, if u want me to clear out of a room faster than u can say "get out of here" all u have to do is get my mother to use that tone of voice.

all these years ive always wondered why my brother keeps running off when my mom keeps running off when my mom trys to give "advice", i keep thinking why he couldnt jus stay and listen coz its "advice" from a parent. i know she gets hurt whn my bro keeps running off and not listening to her. and i always thought my bro was such a jackass for hurting her so. you know. at one point years i go i made a decision to always listen to my mom when she gives advice and try to not run away so i wont hurt her feelings. boy was that a naive thought. i obviously couldnt keep it up. its gotten to the extent that ive stopped wanting to eat dinner as a family at home. ill either eat really early or later so i dont have to be in the same room with my mom. i stay in my room all day if i dont have anything to do outside it if it means not being in the same room as my mom. because i still dont want to hurt her, i figure the best way is "out of sight oout of mind" right. even now since i started studying at ubd, id stay in the university all day even if i dont have classes all day, just so i can avoid hearing that "TONE" of hers.

i could go on and on i suppose but i cant be asked anymore. so basically "can ur ambitions come true" well it looks like this particulary ambition/dream of mine is looking rather shaky coz i keep hurting my mom due to my "reflex" action. and ive become a carbon copy of my brother in terms of reaction to my mom which i swore i wouldnt do. which obviously hurts her. and i havent the clue how to not do it anymore. coz if i stay and listen, invariably i will open my mouth to contest the things she says and more often than not, ill probably say something harsh which just hurts her more, and gives me more negative points i.e. sin in the eyes of GOD. this really sucks dont you know.

till my next rant.
ja mata. genki dayo