Dreams can come true??? I wonder~~~

well, its been ages, yet again, since ive posted anything up in my "blog". i don't know why i even have one when i barely put anything in it. its mostly because i procrastinate too much. i say im gonna put something in and end up putting it off indefinitely. well what to do lah, its not like i get much traffic on this blog right.

Anyway, i just would like to say im TIRED. very tired, im tired of trying to be who im not. im tired of trying to fit in because i hate being left out. im tired of being "alone". im tired of trying to please my parents who sometimes don't see the effort ive put in. granted i did dissapoint them some but well thats the story of my life. but this is not why i writing right now. the reason im writing now is to ask those few of you who do bother coming here a question. I know its sounds lame and ill agree by the end of this post itll sound like im over dramatizing but what the hey. i need to get it of my chest coz its been stuck there for GOD knows how long.

my multi-tierd question is, "can dreams come true? do the ambitions that you have as a kid become a reality?etc" I ask this question because for the dozenth? 2 dozen? 3? time ive had an altercation with my mom. i noe every one has their own issues with their parents. well this is mine. for as long as i can remember, my very first ambition or dream when i was a kid wasn't to be successful; it wasnt to be insanely rich, marry a model or anything like that(that being said, it be great if i achieved all those that ive just mentioned lol". no the first ambition i ever had was to make my parents proud, happy, to repay them for all tehy done for me and all they may do for me in the future. that was it. althoug obviously as one grows older we tend to get more materialistic goals and less idealistic ones. but this dream, this ambition, by GOD i hope i can achieve.

growing up in my household, well i would say my parents didnt exactly spoil me but i didnt lack for anything. food, shelter, love, etc thos things they gave freely. maybe i didnt hav as many toys as otehr kids my age but hey, it was fine. ive always thought my self as mama's boy, in the sense that im closer to my mom than my dad. i tried to make her happy try to ease her burdens while i was growing up. and i did i guess to a certain extent. i wasnt no saint but i tink i did ok those years ago.

but as i grew older, i obviously began to see the restrictions put upon me. im sure every one else has the same ones but if u pushed againts them, chances are ud probably get away with it, me during my teen years, i barely had any frens mostly because ive always been taught by my mom to stay away from bad influences. dont mix around with other kids who look like they are some little mosnters. obviously this had an affect on my ability to make frens. i stayed away from those who i tink fit...... what the hell, ive gone completely off topic. my life story if u want to hear it and im sure your dying to hear it, ill save it for anther post.

anyway. trying to please my mother. when i finished my o levels, i started to feel very constrained by my mom, and when i went to UK for my studies, OMG i felt soooo free, i can do what ever i want becoz heck, i nolonger hav my mom to constrain me. but unfortunately constrain me she did some how thru over 9000kms she did. every week i tallk to her on the fone i hear the same restrain, do this dont do that, bla bla bla bla. GOD everyweek the same thing. its like nothing new. i know shes doing her motherly duty but jeez give it a rest. for 5 years over the fone it is drilled in to my head every fibre of my being the things my mom said. its like a dog trainer trying to train a dog by repeating something over and over again. i kid you not.

there was this called pavlov who did a study on conditioned reflex or something like that. basically the resarch states that someone or animal can be condtioned thru repetition to have a reflex if a trigger is used. "The phrase "Pavlov's dog" is often used to describe someone who merely reacts to a situation rather than use critical thinking." (source wiki) basically over the 23 years she has raised me, ive become so conditioned to the things my mom says that as soon as she opens her mouth and talks to me in this certain tone thats used for telling me off or giving me advice or whatever, my first reflex is to want to leave the room. i tell you, if u want me to clear out of a room faster than u can say "get out of here" all u have to do is get my mother to use that tone of voice.

all these years ive always wondered why my brother keeps running off when my mom keeps running off when my mom trys to give "advice", i keep thinking why he couldnt jus stay and listen coz its "advice" from a parent. i know she gets hurt whn my bro keeps running off and not listening to her. and i always thought my bro was such a jackass for hurting her so. you know. at one point years i go i made a decision to always listen to my mom when she gives advice and try to not run away so i wont hurt her feelings. boy was that a naive thought. i obviously couldnt keep it up. its gotten to the extent that ive stopped wanting to eat dinner as a family at home. ill either eat really early or later so i dont have to be in the same room with my mom. i stay in my room all day if i dont have anything to do outside it if it means not being in the same room as my mom. because i still dont want to hurt her, i figure the best way is "out of sight oout of mind" right. even now since i started studying at ubd, id stay in the university all day even if i dont have classes all day, just so i can avoid hearing that "TONE" of hers.

i could go on and on i suppose but i cant be asked anymore. so basically "can ur ambitions come true" well it looks like this particulary ambition/dream of mine is looking rather shaky coz i keep hurting my mom due to my "reflex" action. and ive become a carbon copy of my brother in terms of reaction to my mom which i swore i wouldnt do. which obviously hurts her. and i havent the clue how to not do it anymore. coz if i stay and listen, invariably i will open my mouth to contest the things she says and more often than not, ill probably say something harsh which just hurts her more, and gives me more negative points i.e. sin in the eyes of GOD. this really sucks dont you know.

till my next rant.
ja mata. genki dayo